excerpted from caro's journal: topic: dreams

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2001_05_03:02: A New Day

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I don't think this topic is going to come up much, since I don't remember dreams anymore, except for when my sleep schedule gets messed up. And it was really messed up this week, and continues to be, because I'm unable to unglue my hands from the keys for trivia like rest and relaxation.

I dreamt that I married the nazi!!!!! It was horrible! I can't remember most of the details now. All I can remember--too well--is the feeling that I was back there, with him, saying to myself, Why am I doing this? Why did I think it would be different? Oh, no! It's all exactly the same! He's saying all the same things and doing all the same things!

The dream seemed to go on forever, a montage of the lowlights of that tour through hell, with that weird internal narration. It was all mixed in with Now, as though I'd left La Jolla so that I could try to squeeze into the obedient, fearful, two-dimensional mold that is his ideal wife. Friends from now and from then burst in once in a while to scold me and ask what I was doing and to say I told you so. If only my actual friends had been so bold before, or during, the actual relationship! Some people listen to reservations and advice, and I'm one of those people; but so few people like that, that they would rather see their friends chopped into little pieces and buried under the floorboards before they'd ever say, "Eh, y'know, I have a funny feeling about him."

I woke up feeling absolutely filthy. I still feel strange. The images of his pillow-top face were nauseatingly clear. [shudder] Well, I guess this is about the time I need to engage in my occasional self-flaggelation: What the hell was I doing?? Was I out of my mind?!. There. All done.

Today didn't go to badly, considering how I woke up. New day, no mistakes in it yet. Oh, and hey! It's 2:45am and that means it's an even newer day with even fewer mistakes in it yet.
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2001_05_22:20: What You Make Of It

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Dreamt this morning that I was bitten by a snake, and an old acquaintance (with whom I had a better relationship in the dream than in real life) sucked the poison out of the wound. There were other people around who allegedly were my friends but I don't know who they were. My theory of dreams is that all the descriptive parts occur once you wake up and start piecing it together; you feel like you dreamt while asleep because there are random neuronal firings and then you try to make sense of them when awake. Similar to the effect that pilots suffer when they've been awake and in the air for too long and the blood vessels in their eyeballs burst, and their brains tend to interpret the disturbances this causes in their visual fields as gremlins on the instrument panels.